Sunday, March 26, 2000
...Right in the middle of another romantic mishap

So, I'm not sure how to begin this episode. Maybe I'll just start at the beginning and fill in the details as I go along.

DH is this local performance artist, he's a rock guitarist, he's queer, and he's in the middle of a one-man show in which he talks about growing up gay, and leading a rock/corporate lifestyle. He assumes diffent identites, which I sort of interpreted as different sides of his personality. It's a really good show; I went with my roommates last night.

I've had a crush on DH ever since we first met a couple months ago. I guess I always assumed he already had a boyfriend. My roommate EV has been trying to set us up. It's starting to make me nervous.

DH came by to rehearse in our studio a couple of weeks ago. I had no idea he was interested in me. He kept shooting me these looks and acting silly and nervous. I was completely spellbound! I haven't had a crush like this in a long time. Really, in a very long time. I felt like a kid.

I think I psyched myself up too much for last night. I've been thinking about him all the time. When we finally went out for drinks after the show, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. DH and my roommate JB really hit it off. They had a lot of theater experience in common. All right... all right. I admit to being jealous. JB and I have such a strange relationship. There was that weird fling last year... and he really wanted to start something serious. I backed out of it. I can't date somebody that I live with. Plus, there's a lifestyle issue. He's into cruising. I don't know if he'd give that up solely on my account. But all that's over now.

I freaked out last night. I got really upset with myself, frustrated. I felt like a desperate, lonely 18-year-old again, developing these massive, mind-altering crushes on guys I barely even know. Being completely unable to say a single word in someone's presence. Feeling like a social misfit. Being incredibly angry with myself.

It's so incredibly stupid. I know DH likes me, EV keeps coming up to me: "DH said this-and-this the other day." I can't believe he's doing this. "I told DH you were coming to his show tonight. He said, 'You didn't tell him I like him, did you?!'" Who does he think he's helping, anyway? He's just desperate, himself. He wants me and DH to hook up so he doesn't have to think about how he can't get a girlfriend of his own. So, I know all this, and yet my self-confidence is at absolute zero point.

Maybe all of this would just go away if I took my mother's advice. If I had a penny for every time she's begged me to go on Zoloft. Apparently it really helped her get through cancer. How do I explain that I desperately, desperately want to get over my depression on my own? I guess I have the need to prove myself, to myself. I guess I'd be less hard on myself if I were taking antidepressants. Do I really need them? Am I really that depressed?